How do you think The Joy Lady did? Have you read the title of this blog entry? I skipped two days completely with no good excuse. Two other days I took a walk with my husband and called that a substitute for exercise. So, I failed 4 days of the 15. That’s 26% failure.

 We’ve all been there, living twists and turns that don’t go as we had hoped – many that are way more serious than an exercise routine. A lost job, a failed marriage, or a troubled child can all make a strong person question her wisdom, or even her worth. If this is you right now, I challenge you to take a different perspective by uncovering, with gratitude, what you have accomplished.

As I evaluate the first 15 days of 2012, I see that I worked out 11 days! That’s ELEVEN (11) days of success! That’s a better exercise streak than I had all year in 2011!  Mathematically that may be only 74% completion, but emotionally that’s 100% JOY!

When was the last time you heard that question from your teenager? If you’re having a tough time remembering a situation where your teen actually chose to talk with you, well, you’re not alone. This is one of the most common frustrations parents share. “If she would just tell me what’s on her mind, I could try to help!” As many kids reach the adolescent years they seem to talk with their friends about everything (ALL THE TIME) and their conversations with parents get shorter and less frequent.

Oh, some teenagers talk. But many don’t. In fact it’s an aspect of normal development for teenagers to pull away from their parents, and stop relying on them for advice. Teens must practice independence, in preparation for the day when they will move away from home. Some of this practicing is agonizing for parents. We are interested in their lives. We are concerned about what they’re facing in this world, and we would like to support them. But they have to tell us what’s on their minds!

Or, do they? I want to challenge your thinking today. Is it really essential for you to know all the details of your teenager’s life? What parts do you need to know about? What parts can you allow to be private for your teen to keep to herself, or only share with her friends? This is hard, isn’t it? We think that “good” parents know everything. Who are those “good” parents that you know? The next time you see them ask how they keep on top of everything. My guess is they’ll tell you that there are things they wish they knew more about too. Or, they will say that it’s a constant battle to get their child to talk. And we know it’s not healthy to be in a constant battle with anyone, especially not our own child.

Here’s an idea for you. Think about trying this strategy for a week or so. See if it makes a difference.

When you get home from work, stop yourself from rambling off the typical parent list of boringly predictable questions: How was school? Do you have homework? When can you walk the dog? Who, teenager or adult, would be enthusiastic about sharing in quality conversation after being met with that battery? Instead, have a plan in your head to greet and then be available. For example, imagine your teenager’s reaction if you gave him a hug and said, “It’s great to see you.” And then, what if you sat down in the kitchen with a cup of coffee, obviously not busy? Might your teen grab a drink from the refrigerator, and perhaps sit nearby? It may not happen the first day, or even the first week, but over time this could become a nice routine.

The whole idea of being available is vital if we want to create an atmosphere for quality conversation. We need to be present, and not scurrying about. Put away the newspaper or your laptop. Just sit still, and be approachable. When kids see that we’re not too busy for them, we have set the stage for conversation to pop up spontaneously. And someday, when life is challenging and your teen is confused, you might hear him say, “Dad, can we talk?”

I did. And several hundred dollars later I had a contract promising me 12 quality dates.

What’s a quality date? Does it involve height? (I like tall.) Does it include great food? (I like scallops.) Does it lead to marriage?

I met some really nice people through this agency -and I met some people who needed a little work. But in nearly every meeting our conversation turned to stories about horrible dates. Everyone has had them. It struck me that if people who are willing to invest money getting a quality date, would first invest in becoming a quality date, this agency’s success rate would soar.

Here’s what I’m proposing (yes, that’s a pun) to BECOME A QUALITY DATE:

1-Ask yourself, “If everything were to go perfectly on this date – exactly as I’m wishing – what would that look like?” Jot down your thoughts. Then evaluate your list, crossing off the items that are unrealistic expectations. Go with an open mind.

2-Be clear about what this date is – and what it is not. This date is a few hours of your life – it is NOT the start of a whole new life for you. Now, that could happen, but the likelihood is slim. Consider your date as an opportunity to meet a new human being. Ask questions. Learn something you don’t know.

3-Have some fun! Laugh and enjoy the adventure.

I do some of my most creative writing on airplanes. Being locked in a seatbelt helps me stay on task. I’m considering adding a seatbelt to my office chair.

On my last flight I was so pleased to be seated next to… an empty seat! Yippee! But that changed when, just before the doors closed, a family with three beautiful children under the age of four boarded. They squeezed in next to me.

These young parents were well prepared with activity books, juice boxes, teddy bears and blankets – spilling onto my space. You parents know that change in air pressure hurts little ears, sitting still is difficult, juice boxes tip over, crayons fall on the floor, and sometimes babes just cry – LOUDLY.

But what about ME? Thinking clearly and writing was my plan. I had work to do!

The best laid plans. Expectations. Goals. Some days we have no choice but to change. If you’re being required to change your expectations today, here are a few questions to spark clear thinking:

1-What goals seem impossible right now? Be honest with yourself and your own perceptions of your abilities.

2-Which of those seemingly impossible goals can you let go? Sometimes situations change, and things that were important in the past lose their significance. Shedding that which is no longer useful is part of growth.

3-Do some of these goals represent your values and passions? Hold on tight to those! Identify specific skills that you are missing, and be creative in learning what you need to know. Clarify circumstances that are blocking your progress, and set out t0 find new resources. Ask someone for help.

Achievers set a goal, stay focused, and celebrate their success. But when life intervenes the best decision may be to readjust, thankfully embracing a new plan.